Changes

Slowly losing the feeling of having that one
While gaining the hope of making another

Slowly losing hope to keep that ship alive

While gaining the feeling of acceptance from another

Slowly losing that feeling of comfort
While gaining a whole new feeling of comfort

Slowly losing the fun, crazyness of  conversations

While gaining the more mature realizations in new conversations

Slowly losing the promises

While gaining new perspectives

Slowly losing what you thought was perfect

While gaining something that you knew could be perfect

Slowly losing something you wish you weren't

While gaining something you wished you could

Let Me Tell You About My Best Friend

I’m sitting there as the cold air stabs at my face.

 Hands warmed. 

Feet chilled. 

I look over and see you walking up the stairs.

 My stomach instantly free falls and twists and turns.

 I’ve seen you around recently, but neither of us has made any sort of effort to rekindle this friendship I’ve been longing for.

   I turn away, not wanting to address the situation.

 Not wanting to even acknowledge the fact that I saw you. 

Then I hear your boots.

 Your boots clicking so loudly that it makes my heart race louder and louder with every step.

 I turn and there you are.

 Face to face.

 No turning away, no hiding.

 This moment I’ve been waiting so long for.

 All I can manage to force out is “Oh…hey…” 

And you sit down.

 Sit down like you would have done a year ago. 

Sit down as though we’ve continued our friendship over this past year.

 Like we never had a falling out. 

Like we were still best friends.

 I’m shaking like a leaf.

 Trying to hide the fact that I’m so beyond excited that you’re sitting next to me.

 So excited that I might actually have a chance to revive everything I’ve been missing out on.

 Excited to hear what on your mind, how life’s treating you, how school’s going, what you’ve been up to. 

Just excited to be sitting next to you.

 Just sitting.

 Just talking.

 Reliving a conversation with my best friend.

 I don’t know why this happened, what made you come up to me, but I’m so beyond happy that you did.
I’m excited to jump into this sea of emotions.

 I want to embark on a new journey. 

And I can’t wait for you to be a part of it.

I can’t wait to be able to call you my best friend again.

"Nothing even matters anymore. Everything's great :)" 

To Write Love On Her Arms.

 Today is suicide and self harm awareness day.

 Support those around you because you never know what someone is going through.

 Be there for them, it could save their life. 

“When she was just a girl

She expected the world

But it flew away from her reach 

And the bullets catch in her teeth 

Life goes on, it gets so heavy

The wheel breaks the butterfly 

Every tear a waterfall 

In the night the stormy night she’ll close her eyes

In the night the stormy night away she’d fly

It's been four months and you've done so much from up there. Saving Mike's life. I know you were there with him. There's no way you weren't. Thanks for everything you do for all of us. You're still a real gem. I miss you, Adrianna. Heaven sure is one lucky place <3

Always have a sober bro

This is my friend Mike's car. It's destroyed. He hit the trees so hard that the motor flew out, along with him. He spent a few nights in the ICU and is on a long road to recovery. He's so so so lucky to be alive. The doctors said he must have had an angel looking over him that night. You may ask how all of this happened? One night of partying and him getting behind the wheel drunk has changed his life forever. There are so many people that would drop whatever they're doing or get up out of bed at night to drive you home instead of you driving drunk. Drinking and driving is NEVER acceptable. You're not only risking hurting yourself, but others around you. You're risking your life when you get behind the wheel drunk. Please, please, please stop and think before you drink and drive. 

"Will it ever be like it used to be?"

"I thought about this, and it really sucks to even say it, but I almost feel like I can't tell you everything. :( maybe it's just cause we haven't talked in awhile..."

I think my perceptions of a friendship are much different than the people around me. I've always thought that someone you consider a best friend will be there for you no matter what, even if you haven't talked for days or weeks or months. I've always had problems with loosing friends. Whether it be my childhood best friend who moved away in 4th grade, my middle school best friend who moved away in 8th grade, my friend through out the years who became my best friend my sophomore year who then graduated and moved on to college, or it be the one person I thought I would never lose but then decided I wasn't good enough to even be considered a friend anymore. Basically my friendship rep isn't the greatest. At first I thought it was just a string of bad luck with everyone moving away, but then Syd happened and now I feel like I'm going to lose all the great friends I've gained over this past school year. Living in Marquette, and most importantly, in the Vu has given me the opportunity to open up to so many different girls and gain so many amazing friendships. I don't want to lose that. One out of the four girls who I've become closest with will still be living in the Vu so I'm not worried about our frienship, but what about the others? My bestest friend in the whole wide world is just moving across the quad, but I'm still worried. She's going to be so busy in her own life being momma duck to all the Malibu girls. And the other two, well we just became close...and I really wish we would have been given more time to be together. But they're both moving off campus. And I know I'm going to gain so many new friends, and everyone's just a text away, and blah blah blah...but it's just not the same. Things are changing. I'm not good with change. And I really wish things could be how they used to be, in so many different aspects. But that'll never happen. I have to learn to accept that. Accept that things change. Accept that I'm moving on to a new chapter in my life. Accept that I can't go back to the way things used to be.

"I just wonder if you still remember or think of me once in awhile."

Appreciation

I've lived in Deja Vu for the past 9 months. I never ever thought that I would be affected the way I was. Living there has made me the person I am today. The girls that I met here are the most amazing girls I have ever met. I'm not going to get all sappy right now so this is my appreciation post to those girls. Throughout the year I saved quotes in my phone from the girls I live with here are most of them: 

"My throat hurts so bad I feel like I just deep throated a peppered salami!" -Hailey

*creepy laugh* "ha ha ha also known as you stupid mother fuckers." -Marissa

"That's why I don't wanna have sex! I can't thrust..." -Marissa

"That's when you know you've found your soul mate because he'll be able to super thrust for the both of you." -Hailey

"I'm running on four hours of sleep..." -Me

"Guess what I'm running on..awesome." -Marissa

"Haven't you ever heard of caring is sharing?" -Sara

"No I must have been sick with fuck-you-itis" -Marissa

"hehehehe that's funny YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" -Marissa

"Dude, I went all Rachel Ray and Betty Crocker on my mom's ass!" -Me

"How do you know I'm drunk?" -Me

"Your eyes are red..." -Hailey

"How do you know when I'm drunk?" -Emily

"...Hannah's eyes are red..." -Hailey

"What the fuck, you're such a douche. Fuck you in the asshole and I hope it rips and bleeds" -Kaitlyn

"Maybe he's sucking his dick to get it up so they can..you know...fight...with their swords..." -Hailey

"I've been watching this show since I was 10...and I'm 21!" -Marissa

"uhhh...you're 22 Marissa!" -Me

"I wish instead of a poke button there was a punch you in the face button. You could click it and a fish would jump out of the computer and punch you in the face." -Marissa

"It's one in the morning..." -Me

"She's a piece of shit she'll answer!" -Lee Lee

"I didn't do anything to her. I just let her meow on my shoulder once." -Megan 

"Don't punch me in the kidney. I need that to filter alcohol!" -Kaitlyn

"That's your liver you piece of shit!" -Me

"If I had a penis I'd make you lick it right now!" -Me

"I used to work out for more than 60 minutes a day and look where I ended up..." -Marissa

"I'm gonna shove my fist up her anus"

"It'll probably fit" (can't remember who said this....but I'm sure it was hilarious! haha)

"What if we both get offers from guys?" -Kaitlyn

"BULLSHIT!" -Marissa

"She was highlighting the bible! Isn't that illegal...I feel like that's a sin..." -Me

"I need a really ugly friend to make me look better. I'd feel better about myself.." -Nefra 

"Do you remember when I had Nyquil? because I don't..." -Me

"Man my vagina has taken a beating lately and not from anything good." -Emily

"I unplugged all your shit. I hope you like your fish dead, BITCH" -Marissa

"What the fuck is deep and why is she rolling in it?!" -Conda

"I'd fuck him till my pelvic shattered!" -Felicia

"Currently in use!? Your mom's currently in use!" -Katie

"I don't look trashed ladies, I look beautiful" -Hailey

"Everybody needs to get off of everybody else's dicks so I can drive!!!" -Marissa

"Marissa, Hailey's on my dick...I don't like dick..get her off my dick! -Riley

"OW! My tit is dislocated from my breast!" -Marissa

"I had a bubble in my throat! You shut your face." -Marissa

"You said BOOB I said *whispers* breast" -Marissa

"Eat that piece of chicken!" Tall Megan

"That's what she said!!!!...that was stupid. I need to pay attention. Fucking stupid shit. So stupid. Stupid..." -Marissa

"You fucking asshole, excuse me, you piece of shit" -Marissa

"SHIT! My calf has a muffin top!" -Me

"Do you still wanna be my best friend?!" -Emily

"Give me a good twenty minutes..." -Me

"If she touches my shit I'm calling 911. I want FBI, finger prints, and shit." -Bitch Marissa

"Don't spit! Don't Spit!" -Me

"I...I...swallowed... :(" Tall Megan

"Yes, lesbians knock on wood...." -Me

"They put sleeping pills in here, not alcohol! Bastards." -Marissa

"Everyone always lays on me...It's because I'm comfy...*whispers* it's because I'm fat." -Marissa

"That was REALLY good....." -Sara

"Yeah? well, when I'm on national television you can suck a big fat juicy dick." -Me

"I think we're all on the same boat. There's five of us...in a room...on a Wednesday night..drinking..." -Kris

"The only bad thing about drinking on a Wednesday night is there's no grilled cheese!" -Felicia

"That's how I associate who's calling my name. Felicia calls me neeeefra, Leanna calls me Nefy, and you (referring to me) call me stupid bitch" -Nefra aka stupid bitch

"Those jeans are SHIT!" -Mak

"I don't think she's going to be very happy...but it's gonna be AWESOME!" -Kris

"Mother fuckers just killed my mother fucking fish!" -Lee Lee

"I'm not quite sure how to probe this out of you...but..." -Hailey

"Does she have a gang bang in there? Cuz seriously it's so fucking loud up there." -Sam

"Man I ate a lot of almonds to cut weight, that must be why I'm all gay..." -Robin

"Are you trying to get me fat!? I'M ALREADY HALF WAY THERE!" -Me

"It doesn't feel good when you touch my tits like that!" -Marissa

"I look like fucking Dobby!" -Emily

"I know a lotta things just not in the right scholastic subjects.." -Kris

"I'm not racist...I like dark chocolate" -Me

"How many are in a six pack?" -Kris

"Or because her pelvic bone got rearranged by his Magnum P.I. penis..." -Felicia

"I'd totally take his sauce second hand..." -Emily

"How can she be Chinese and ginger at the same time!?" -Emily

"Dear diary, on a night before my final I decide to get drink." -Kris

I'll miss all of these ladies so much over the summer. 

Only 105 days till I move back to Marquette. 

Can't wait already. 

I have faith.

We're all broken. 

We're all facing our own struggles, but that doesn't mean we are not strong. Feeling broken is a part of BEING strong. Realizing you're broken and working on fixing it is the first step to FEELING strong. 

4/20, brah

Welllll, it's that time of year again. April 20th, also known as national imma smoke a huge fatty day. So I don't really know where I was planning on going with this post. I guess, I just wanted to stick up for the kids who go out and smoke as much marijuana as their body will allow them to consume in this 24 hour period. I'm not really sure why, but I get slightly offended when people put down those who smoke weed. Some of the most intelligent people I know smoke weed. Yeah, your brain cells supposedly get fried and blah blah blah. But in reality alcohol is SO much worse for your body, and your life in general. Alcohol causes over 2.5 million deaths a year. How many are results of marijuana smoking? None. I'm not saying that everyone should go out and smoke, but those arrogant assholes who frown upon people who do smoke can shove it. That is all.

"My problem is you aren't my friend anymore..."

I talked about you tonight. I ranted until the tears filled my eyes. I ranted until I let one tear fall. But only one because you're not worth any more than that. I ranted because you've pushed away everyone. You pushed away the one friend who finally accepted you for you. Finally accepted all of your faults, your sarcastic witty comments, your bitchyness, your negativity. I accepted them. Yet, you pushed me away too. Just like everyone else in your life. You blame the end of this friendship all on me. But maybe one day you'll realize that this is all you. You'd think you would finally get it. I'm not the first and definitely not the last great friend you lost. I feel bad for you. I feel bad because you'll never know how great of a friendship we could still have. I've moved on and created the greatest friendships with amazing people. But where are you? Your heads still shoved up his ass. So no one will ever know. Was this one relationship with such an asshole really worth losing the few friends you had? I wish I could throttle you sometimes. Drop-kick you across the universe for not realizing how much you actually meant to me. A friendship doesn't have to be 24/7. A text here or there is all that I needed. Not talking for weeks at a time was ok because when we did talk we would pick back up where we left off. That's what best friends do. Obviously, I misunderstood the "friendship" we had. It makes me reevaluate everything you've ever said. Makes me wonder if the things you said to me were actually true. If you actually meant what you said. I guess it really doesn't matter now because we'll never talk again.

welllp

Yesterday I was in a shitty mood.

Today, I'm better.

Bring it on, life.

I'm Done Pretending

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like shit. I feel like I have no friends. Minus like a select four possibly five, and I only have one that I'm completely open with and close to. I feel like I don't have any ambition. I want to do good in my classes, but I can never motivate myself to do homework/study until the last minute. I want to be able to express my feelings to those that I care about, but I don't know how. I want to tell people when they piss me off or when I'm frustrated, but I can never find the words when I need them. I don't want drama, but that's all that consumes my life. I hate it. I want to be able to see the good in everyone, but deep down inside I hate people. I hate the concept. I hate everything about people. I really just want to be home right now. But I know that's just going to put me in an even worse mood because I feel like I have no friends there either. Why do I always fuck everything up? I want to be that positive person, but I can't find the will anymore. I'm done pretending. I'm not happy right now.

I'd Never Let You Go

Lately, I’ve been joking more and more about never finding someone who will like me for me. About never finding someone who will ever actually love me; saying I’m forever alone. And I’m starting to believe it. I feel like everyone around me has someone, whether it’s just someone to hang out with every once in a while or someone who will actually be committed to a relationship. And I don’t. My last relationship ended terribly. I really don’t want that to happen again, but I sure as hell don’t want to be alone. God, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’d much rather have a shit ton of relationship drama then absolutely nothing at all. Shit sucks. 

Rewind

I was just looking back at older posts, and it's so weird how things have changed in less than two months. I really want to delete some of them, but why would I delete something that once actually meant something to me? I'd like to be able to delete the posts and pictures, but that doesn't get rid of the memories. So why do it? At one point I was happy with where I was at and who was in my life, and I don't want to rid my mind of those memories. I just want to be able to be civil and enjoy these last few weeks of school. Is that too much to ask?

"...and all I wanna be when I grow up is happy."

I haven’t been the greatest friend lately. I’ve been straying away from my little baby girl. But tonight we were texting and jumped into a full conversation like we still talked every single day. And she told me she’s scared to grow up, but then again aren’t we all? Then she told me all she wants to do when she grows up is happy, but once again..don’t we all?

This just reminds me of so much. When we all grow up happiness is something we all want to attain. But some never get there. Some never give life a chance. When they hit their bottom they need a rock. Someone to pull them back up. But if they don’t have that life is meaningless. I just want everyone to remember that you could be someone’s rock. You could be there to pull them up when they’ve hit their bottom. You could save their life.

And if you’re the one who feels as though you’re hitting your lowest point just remember there’s always someone out there to talk to. Always remember you mean so much to way too many people to end your life. Your life has meaning, and you can find that meaning if you just give it a chance. Things always get better, and happiness can and will be achieved.

Hey you.

When we first talked to each other
I knew we would always be friends.
Our friendship has kept on growing
And I'll be here for you to the end.

You listen when I have a problem
And help dry the tears from my face.
You take away my sorrow
And put happiness in its place.

We can't forget the fun we've had
Laughing 'til our faces turn blue.
Talking of things only we find funny
People think we're insane-If they only knew!

I guess this is my way of saying thanks
For catching me when I fall.
Thanks once again for being such a good friend
And being here with me through it all.

Ok, so I know this poem is super cheesy, but it portrays us perfectly.

I know you're reading this because you told me I need to blog because I haven't in awhile.

You creeping on me is completely okay. I'm kind of glad you do. 

Because sometimes I don't really explain myself very well in person. 

And you reading this helps me to express myself to you. 

If that makes any sense at all. God I suck. hahaha. 

Anyways, here's your appreciation post. 

Because I love the living shit out of you. 

And I'm so happy to have you in my life.

Thanks for everything.

<3

Para-Para-Paradise

This morning I was woken up by the buzzing of my phone. I had a text message from a friend saying “did Adri die?” Three words. That’s all. I had no idea. I was sleeping. I open up facebook to read post after post after post about this wonderful girl I knew so well. Adrianna Lee Ceron. The most free spirited, down to earth, care free person I have ever met. I never expected her to be ripped out of everyone’s lives so early. 18 years old. She had so much ahead of her. A career as a dance teacher, getting married, settling down and having a family, traveling the world, meeting new people, so much ahead. She never cared what people thought of her. She knew what she wanted in life and she pursued it. Moving out to California and taking the city life head on. She was larger than life, and her going out to the city made was one step closer to making all her dreams come true. I’m more than blessed to have had her touch my life. She made me realize that it doesn’t matter what people think of you. Haters are going to hate no matter what you do. So you may as well do what you want. Go out, get drunk, and party way too much. Do what you feel is right, never second guess your actions. Live young, wild, and free. Adri has affected so many of our lives whether she realized it or not. I’m selfish for feeling the way I do. Wanting one more messed up conversation with her. Wanted to see her dance on that gym floor one last time. See her wear something completely fucked up to school just to see everyone’s reactions. See her take the rules and bend them, break them, make them her own. See her be herself. See that smile, that long gorgeous hair, those dimples, that laugh. Just see her spunky, bubbly personality. One. Last. Time. I know we’ll never all be in the same room ever again, but I want it just one more time. I want to remember my exact last words to her. I want so much, but I’ll never have it. Mostly, I just want Adri to be happy. I want her to run wild and free, dancing through the gates of heaven. The soul takes flight to a world that is invisible, and there arriving she is sure of bliss and forever dwells in paradise. Rest peacefully.

Drifting

Like a tree that just sprouted new leaves

The freshness makes you smile

Something like a new born child

But the weather changes, the baby grows, and the leaves

The leaves, they fall

They fall hard

They hit the ground below

They lay there with no importance

No one who cares

The child whose father leaves them

With no hesitation

They have no meaning and eventually they decompose

Returning to the soil where no one ever notices them

Just as if they were laying on the ground, meaningless

Like the child, now teen

Who drifts into the crowd

Where no one ever notices them

Forever Young

Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while. Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Are you going to drop the bomb or not? Let us die young, or let us live forever.

I went to a TWLOHA presentation tonight. It was super powerful. The whole idea behind To Write Love On Her Arms is amazing. Their mission statement states, “To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.” Jamie Tworkowski is the founder and he shared with us how he came about starting TWLOHA. As I was sitting in the room full of people I kept thinking about how many of them are directly affected by the problems presented. Every day I walk across campus, and everyone seems to be happy. But in reality hundreds of them are struggling internally. I wish everyone who is struggling with any of these demons could get help. Going to this presentation didn’t “save” anyone from what they have been dealing with, but it definitely gave me a whole new perspective on the people on this campus, in this town, and in the world. 

After the presentation, I came back to the dorms to find a text from a friend asking me what it means when people say the “found themselves”. My response was they have a revelation. They finally realize their purpose in life. I’m not quite sure if that’s the correct definition, but I felt that it was directly related to the situation. I then asked her why she was asking such a random question and she went on telling me about how she had lost a class mate less than two hours ago to self-harm. 

My heart dropped. 

I just came back from a presentation that was about all of this. How do you comfort someone who is going through something so tough? She told me that she doesn’t understand how she could do something so extreme. And that she wishes she could have done something to stop it. That no one deserves to die so young. I continued to comfort her for the next two hours. 

She told me that she never wants to lose me, and that she’d be done if she ever did, and how she couldn’t make it through anything like that, that just the thought of it makes her sick. It made me think about what people would do if I was gone. Who would actually care? I feel like I have enough close friends and family, but what about those people who don’t like me? Would they even care? 

You never really know how strong you actually are until you’ve lost someone who means something to you. I know I’m an emotion mess most of the time, and losing someone who means everything to me is the hardest thing I could ever go through.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family, friends, teammates, and anyone else that was affected tonight by this loss. 
 

Just remember, no matter what, you’re never alone. 

<3

Moving On

I’m excited to see what my future has in store for me. I’ve become more and more excited for next year. Maybe it’s because the Vu will be graced with new, smiling faces and others will disappear. Or maybe it’s because I want to take my leadership role to a whole new level. I’m not really sure what it is, but I’m excited. And I’m happy, yet nervous, to embark on a whole new adventure with new people. I know I’m jumping the gun, but I’m ready. I’m ready for this new breath of fresh air. I’m ready for change to occur. I want to meet new people. I want to feel important, because quite frankly, I’m not feeling that right now. I want to know how it feels for people to need me, or to have them think I’ll be an asset. I want to be able to help people. I want to be wanted.

Winter Adventures

Here's just a few pictures to show what happened in my life the past few days.

We had a track meet in Madison, Wisconsin. Our hotel was literally a block from the capitol. It was so beautiful.

Halvy Hall skating party. Me and the ladies I live with. It was an adventure, but so much fun.

Kaitlyn and I had a little date during the skating party. We so sexy.

This picture basically defines The Vu. The three musketeers in the front, and Hailey being her sexual self in the back.

I love these girls more than anything. I don't know what I would do without them. :)

We had a snow day on Monday. Yeah, college gets snow days. The results=snow tumbling.

A little team work while sledding.

The Vu ladies built this masterpiece. Yes, of course Em, Kaitlyn, and I were the original culprits. What can I say? We're just so damn sexual.

Kaitlyn and I love penis hugs :)

 So as you can see, the past few days have been adventurous. And I've loved every second of it<3