Negative Nancy

I’ve been in a really good mood lately, and everything has been going amazing in my life. But today I found myself nitpicking every little thing about myself that I thought was negative. So here’s a list of a few things I noticed today that are my biggest downfalls. 

1. Sarcasm. I have difficulties with sarcasm. When you first meet me I may come off as intimidating, which I’m totally fine with, but you won’t be able to read me. My sarcasm may come off a little bitchy, and I know this is a bad thing. I try my hardest not to make myself sound bitchy when I’m sarcastic, but that’s my personality. Today someone pointed me out as “one of the most sarcastic people they know.” I don’t know if I should take this as a positive or a negative. But as of right now, it’s on my negative list. They made it seem like it was completely ok, but it still made me feel a little crappy about myself. 

2. Jealousy. I am a very jealous person. I know I don’t show it because I’m usually very good at hiding my emotions, but it’s definitely there. I noticed my jealousy was at its peak today. I’m not quite sure why, but I found myself jealous of other people’s friendships. Or even, like how other people are so much closer than I am with certain people. Or how they can talk to people about basically anything when I sometimes struggle with working up the courage to talk to people. I become extremely jealous when people make plans right in front of me, and I’m not included. I actually hate that, but that’s beyond the point. I’ve struggled with jealousy my entire life, so this isn’t something that just popped up out of nowhere. It’s just something I’m trying to accept about myself. 

3. Envy. I know this goes right along with jealousy, but it’s another thing I struggle with. I envy people’s personalities. I so much want to be like other people, but then again I try so hard to be my own person. It’s extremely tough to deal with. I envy the way people can act like themselves and not worry about what other people think. I usually don’t worry about what others think of me, but today I had a huge reality check. There was this stupid ordeal that showed me that not everyone likes me. So I envy the people who everyone seems to like. I also envy the relationship people form so easily with people I wish I could form a stronger relationship with. 

4. I’m not really sure what to categorize this last downfall so I’ll just semi explain what’s going through my mind. Basically I hate when people get this preconceived idea about me. I feel as though I put up this front that is hard for people to distinguish. I don’t know if I’m explaining this exactly how I want it to sound. I guess what I’m trying to say is I have so many different personality traits and images I display that people sometimes get confused. Prime example, today I had someone say to me that because I listen to Kid Cudi I must smoke pot. Wrong. Or because I’m an athlete I have to set certain standards for myself like not being able to party. Or because I’m blonde I must be dumb. And the list goes on and on. I just wish that I could be able to portray myself how I play it out in my head. But that’s pretty much impossible.