welllp

Yesterday I was in a shitty mood.

Today, I'm better.

Bring it on, life.

I'm Done Pretending

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like shit. I feel like I have no friends. Minus like a select four possibly five, and I only have one that I'm completely open with and close to. I feel like I don't have any ambition. I want to do good in my classes, but I can never motivate myself to do homework/study until the last minute. I want to be able to express my feelings to those that I care about, but I don't know how. I want to tell people when they piss me off or when I'm frustrated, but I can never find the words when I need them. I don't want drama, but that's all that consumes my life. I hate it. I want to be able to see the good in everyone, but deep down inside I hate people. I hate the concept. I hate everything about people. I really just want to be home right now. But I know that's just going to put me in an even worse mood because I feel like I have no friends there either. Why do I always fuck everything up? I want to be that positive person, but I can't find the will anymore. I'm done pretending. I'm not happy right now.

I'd Never Let You Go

Lately, I’ve been joking more and more about never finding someone who will like me for me. About never finding someone who will ever actually love me; saying I’m forever alone. And I’m starting to believe it. I feel like everyone around me has someone, whether it’s just someone to hang out with every once in a while or someone who will actually be committed to a relationship. And I don’t. My last relationship ended terribly. I really don’t want that to happen again, but I sure as hell don’t want to be alone. God, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’d much rather have a shit ton of relationship drama then absolutely nothing at all. Shit sucks. 

Rewind

I was just looking back at older posts, and it's so weird how things have changed in less than two months. I really want to delete some of them, but why would I delete something that once actually meant something to me? I'd like to be able to delete the posts and pictures, but that doesn't get rid of the memories. So why do it? At one point I was happy with where I was at and who was in my life, and I don't want to rid my mind of those memories. I just want to be able to be civil and enjoy these last few weeks of school. Is that too much to ask?

"...and all I wanna be when I grow up is happy."

I haven’t been the greatest friend lately. I’ve been straying away from my little baby girl. But tonight we were texting and jumped into a full conversation like we still talked every single day. And she told me she’s scared to grow up, but then again aren’t we all? Then she told me all she wants to do when she grows up is happy, but once again..don’t we all?

This just reminds me of so much. When we all grow up happiness is something we all want to attain. But some never get there. Some never give life a chance. When they hit their bottom they need a rock. Someone to pull them back up. But if they don’t have that life is meaningless. I just want everyone to remember that you could be someone’s rock. You could be there to pull them up when they’ve hit their bottom. You could save their life.

And if you’re the one who feels as though you’re hitting your lowest point just remember there’s always someone out there to talk to. Always remember you mean so much to way too many people to end your life. Your life has meaning, and you can find that meaning if you just give it a chance. Things always get better, and happiness can and will be achieved.

Hey you.

When we first talked to each other
I knew we would always be friends.
Our friendship has kept on growing
And I'll be here for you to the end.

You listen when I have a problem
And help dry the tears from my face.
You take away my sorrow
And put happiness in its place.

We can't forget the fun we've had
Laughing 'til our faces turn blue.
Talking of things only we find funny
People think we're insane-If they only knew!

I guess this is my way of saying thanks
For catching me when I fall.
Thanks once again for being such a good friend
And being here with me through it all.

Ok, so I know this poem is super cheesy, but it portrays us perfectly.

I know you're reading this because you told me I need to blog because I haven't in awhile.

You creeping on me is completely okay. I'm kind of glad you do. 

Because sometimes I don't really explain myself very well in person. 

And you reading this helps me to express myself to you. 

If that makes any sense at all. God I suck. hahaha. 

Anyways, here's your appreciation post. 

Because I love the living shit out of you. 

And I'm so happy to have you in my life.

Thanks for everything.

<3

Para-Para-Paradise

This morning I was woken up by the buzzing of my phone. I had a text message from a friend saying “did Adri die?” Three words. That’s all. I had no idea. I was sleeping. I open up facebook to read post after post after post about this wonderful girl I knew so well. Adrianna Lee Ceron. The most free spirited, down to earth, care free person I have ever met. I never expected her to be ripped out of everyone’s lives so early. 18 years old. She had so much ahead of her. A career as a dance teacher, getting married, settling down and having a family, traveling the world, meeting new people, so much ahead. She never cared what people thought of her. She knew what she wanted in life and she pursued it. Moving out to California and taking the city life head on. She was larger than life, and her going out to the city made was one step closer to making all her dreams come true. I’m more than blessed to have had her touch my life. She made me realize that it doesn’t matter what people think of you. Haters are going to hate no matter what you do. So you may as well do what you want. Go out, get drunk, and party way too much. Do what you feel is right, never second guess your actions. Live young, wild, and free. Adri has affected so many of our lives whether she realized it or not. I’m selfish for feeling the way I do. Wanting one more messed up conversation with her. Wanted to see her dance on that gym floor one last time. See her wear something completely fucked up to school just to see everyone’s reactions. See her take the rules and bend them, break them, make them her own. See her be herself. See that smile, that long gorgeous hair, those dimples, that laugh. Just see her spunky, bubbly personality. One. Last. Time. I know we’ll never all be in the same room ever again, but I want it just one more time. I want to remember my exact last words to her. I want so much, but I’ll never have it. Mostly, I just want Adri to be happy. I want her to run wild and free, dancing through the gates of heaven. The soul takes flight to a world that is invisible, and there arriving she is sure of bliss and forever dwells in paradise. Rest peacefully.