4/20, brah

Welllll, it's that time of year again. April 20th, also known as national imma smoke a huge fatty day. So I don't really know where I was planning on going with this post. I guess, I just wanted to stick up for the kids who go out and smoke as much marijuana as their body will allow them to consume in this 24 hour period. I'm not really sure why, but I get slightly offended when people put down those who smoke weed. Some of the most intelligent people I know smoke weed. Yeah, your brain cells supposedly get fried and blah blah blah. But in reality alcohol is SO much worse for your body, and your life in general. Alcohol causes over 2.5 million deaths a year. How many are results of marijuana smoking? None. I'm not saying that everyone should go out and smoke, but those arrogant assholes who frown upon people who do smoke can shove it. That is all.

"My problem is you aren't my friend anymore..."

I talked about you tonight. I ranted until the tears filled my eyes. I ranted until I let one tear fall. But only one because you're not worth any more than that. I ranted because you've pushed away everyone. You pushed away the one friend who finally accepted you for you. Finally accepted all of your faults, your sarcastic witty comments, your bitchyness, your negativity. I accepted them. Yet, you pushed me away too. Just like everyone else in your life. You blame the end of this friendship all on me. But maybe one day you'll realize that this is all you. You'd think you would finally get it. I'm not the first and definitely not the last great friend you lost. I feel bad for you. I feel bad because you'll never know how great of a friendship we could still have. I've moved on and created the greatest friendships with amazing people. But where are you? Your heads still shoved up his ass. So no one will ever know. Was this one relationship with such an asshole really worth losing the few friends you had? I wish I could throttle you sometimes. Drop-kick you across the universe for not realizing how much you actually meant to me. A friendship doesn't have to be 24/7. A text here or there is all that I needed. Not talking for weeks at a time was ok because when we did talk we would pick back up where we left off. That's what best friends do. Obviously, I misunderstood the "friendship" we had. It makes me reevaluate everything you've ever said. Makes me wonder if the things you said to me were actually true. If you actually meant what you said. I guess it really doesn't matter now because we'll never talk again.

welllp

Yesterday I was in a shitty mood.

Today, I'm better.

Bring it on, life.

I'm Done Pretending

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like shit. I feel like I have no friends. Minus like a select four possibly five, and I only have one that I'm completely open with and close to. I feel like I don't have any ambition. I want to do good in my classes, but I can never motivate myself to do homework/study until the last minute. I want to be able to express my feelings to those that I care about, but I don't know how. I want to tell people when they piss me off or when I'm frustrated, but I can never find the words when I need them. I don't want drama, but that's all that consumes my life. I hate it. I want to be able to see the good in everyone, but deep down inside I hate people. I hate the concept. I hate everything about people. I really just want to be home right now. But I know that's just going to put me in an even worse mood because I feel like I have no friends there either. Why do I always fuck everything up? I want to be that positive person, but I can't find the will anymore. I'm done pretending. I'm not happy right now.

I'd Never Let You Go

Lately, I’ve been joking more and more about never finding someone who will like me for me. About never finding someone who will ever actually love me; saying I’m forever alone. And I’m starting to believe it. I feel like everyone around me has someone, whether it’s just someone to hang out with every once in a while or someone who will actually be committed to a relationship. And I don’t. My last relationship ended terribly. I really don’t want that to happen again, but I sure as hell don’t want to be alone. God, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’d much rather have a shit ton of relationship drama then absolutely nothing at all. Shit sucks. 

Rewind

I was just looking back at older posts, and it's so weird how things have changed in less than two months. I really want to delete some of them, but why would I delete something that once actually meant something to me? I'd like to be able to delete the posts and pictures, but that doesn't get rid of the memories. So why do it? At one point I was happy with where I was at and who was in my life, and I don't want to rid my mind of those memories. I just want to be able to be civil and enjoy these last few weeks of school. Is that too much to ask?

"...and all I wanna be when I grow up is happy."

I haven’t been the greatest friend lately. I’ve been straying away from my little baby girl. But tonight we were texting and jumped into a full conversation like we still talked every single day. And she told me she’s scared to grow up, but then again aren’t we all? Then she told me all she wants to do when she grows up is happy, but once again..don’t we all?

This just reminds me of so much. When we all grow up happiness is something we all want to attain. But some never get there. Some never give life a chance. When they hit their bottom they need a rock. Someone to pull them back up. But if they don’t have that life is meaningless. I just want everyone to remember that you could be someone’s rock. You could be there to pull them up when they’ve hit their bottom. You could save their life.

And if you’re the one who feels as though you’re hitting your lowest point just remember there’s always someone out there to talk to. Always remember you mean so much to way too many people to end your life. Your life has meaning, and you can find that meaning if you just give it a chance. Things always get better, and happiness can and will be achieved.